Split second
by jconeg
Summary: Takes place after Carter's return from Africa. CAUTION: This fic is based on spoilers for 10.10 and 10.11 ! Don't go on if you're spoiler-free... mainly Carby, but 2 other persons involved...


Category: mainly Carby...

Rating: G

CAUTION !!!! This fic is highly SPOILED !!!  
Based on spoilers for episodes 10.10 and 10.11   
Stop reading right now if you are spoiler-free...You've been warned...

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Summary: Carter is back from Africa, with a woman he met there, Kem,  
and who is pregnant.  
The story takes place about a year after that...

Author's note: I'm fully aware of the fact that this spoiler about Kem  
and the baby is still highly questioned, but I sort of believe it's true.  
This is not what I want exactly to happen, but I just wanted to write a fic  
with Kem's pov...And this is what came out...

Feedbacks: would be highly appreciated and thanked... 

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Split second  
----------

I love this man. We're in bed and I only see his naked back,   
and I love every inch of it. He is snoring slightly and peacefully,   
and this is the most lovely sound in the world. In the baby bed   
next to me, I can hear Andrew starting to move. This five month   
old baby keeps on amazing me. I didn't know being a mother could change  
someone so fast. I didn't know that it was such a gift. I thought I could  
never stand being an house woman, doing only the mummy thing. I gave up  
my former life, my folks, my job, to come and follow John in Chicago.  
And it's a blessing that I did. I can't see any way I could be happier.  
And in this warm bed, in the calm light of the morning, I am here   
with the two persons I love the most in the world. John and our baby.

I am not the kind of person who easily fall in love. But in the very few  
days we had to work together in Kinshasa, it just became obvious. I didn't   
really notice him at first, but slowly, it grew up inside of me. Everything   
he said, every movement he made... all seemed perfection. I had been waiting  
for him for ages, and there he was, in the Congo, the last place I would have  
expected him to be. This "trip" to Africa that I had kept on delaying was   
a blessing. I decided to go there at the perfect moment, just to meet him.

It wasn't long for the two of us to get very close. He seemed to like me a lot,  
to be turned on by my physical appearance, to like my personality. That was all  
I was asking for. I didn't ask him to love me as much as I loved him. I knew  
this level couldn't be reached. He was the one to be loved. He deserved all my love.  
And I have enough love in my heart for the two of us.

I didn't think twice when he asked me if I wanted to live with him.  
I didn't think twice when he asked me if I wanted to have kids. And exactly two  
months after meeting him, I was pregnant. We kept on working in the Congo for five  
months, but I could sense that John was getting more and more worried. Even if we  
ate more than any Congolese, we couldn't get an exactly perfect diet for an expecting  
woman. Getting closer and closer to a six months pregnancy, we both knew  
that a premature delivery here would mean the death of our baby, whereas it could  
be okay in America. So he dragged me to his home. Eight months after leaving my folks  
in England, to come to Kishansa, and eight months after promising them that I would  
be back to them before six months, I was boarding a plane to Chicago, with the man  
of my life, and with our baby in my womb.

John had talked to me about this place and about Cook County so many times  
that I could have recognized every single person over there when I first entered  
the hospital. Everyone except that short pretty blonde woman, who looked like  
a very experienced doctor, but who happened to be only a med student.  
John introduced me to her. And I could instantly see pain in her eyes.  
Not just a little heart-ache. Real pain. Real feeling of betrayal.  
And the way John was grabbing my hand at that time told me that I wasn't wrong.  
I felt tension in his hand. I didn't have to look at him to know that he  
was more than aware that he had just hurt someone.

I can't say now that this instant bothered me a lot. I was just so thrilled  
that we had just learned we were having a son. And a healthy son. Everything  
was like a fairy tale. I was Cinderella...I didn't care what my prince  
had done before coming to me. I didn't care who he had loved, who had hurt him,  
what had made him be who he was. He just was. And I love him. And he is perfection,  
and my love for him can't stop growing.

But there's still so much I don't know about him. I gently trace the scars on his back.  
I don't know why they are there, or the ones on his belly. The first time we stood  
naked in front of each other, he begged me not to ask any question about them.  
And I didn't. I still don't know what happened to him.

My touch on his back slowly makes him move and yawn. He turns and looks at me with the  
most adorable blurry eyes. He smiles and then kisses me on the cheeck. 

"Hi there" he manages to say with a very raspy voice.

"Good morning Johny Sunshine." I'm sorry that I woke him up. The way he now looks at me,   
I can see that he had felt which part of his back I was exploring and he slowly shakes   
his head to let me know that again, I won't get any answer.

I told him about my family, my life before I went to the Congo, my life before him.   
He must know absolutely everything there is to know about me.   
But I know nothing about him. Except his work, his colleagues. This man seems to be living  
only for his work. Only to practice medicine. I wonder how I managed to find a place in his  
life. I'm still not sure I really found a place in his life... Andrew has taken so much...   
John seems to be just mad about his son. There's nothing more beautiful on this earth   
than watching him holding Andy. 

John gets out of the bed and I instantly move over the spot where he was lying. I fall asleep  
again in only a few seconds. I then feel a small peck on my cheek. John is here, all cleaned up  
and shaved, and there's a wonderful smell of coffee and hot pancakes in the room. I stare at John,  
and then at the little table in the corner of the room.

"Breakfast is served" John sings with the sweetest voice. He touches my face gently, to push  
my hair away from my face and smiles at me. This instant is too short. All the moments  
where he looks at me straight in the eyes are too short. I never had time to really read  
what was in his eyes. He is already over Andrew's bed, and takes him gently in his arms.  
He puts his lips so softly on his son's cheek, and then moves towards his ear.

"I love you, Andy" I can hear him whisper.

He then looks at me again and says

"I have an half shift today. How about a little walk by the lake when I'm off ?"

Half shift...this, and the way he says "I love you" to his son, are the two sweetest  
sounds out of his mouth. I never received the same "I love you" from him. But Andy   
is a part of me, and I'm not asking for more.

"This is wonderful, John, I'll come pick you up with Andy at 4pm at the hospital then."

"Great" He smiles again. He puts back Andy in his bed very gently, and stares at him  
for long seconds. And then he is gone... He just waves at me

"Have a nice day Kem !"

and with that he is already gone...

I'm not upset by the way he always leaves me so fast. He seems in a hurry to go to work.  
I'm not jealous over his work. But I still know there's someone over there that has  
an important place in his heart. I know he is not cheating on me or whatever...  
But I know his best friend is a woman, and I know that this woman knows him in a way  
that I don't.

After my first visit at the hospital, I met the pretty med student several times. Her name  
is Abby and she is really sweet and funny. She came several times in the room during my  
baby's delivery, and I didn't feel uncomfortable with her. She was absolutely perfect in making  
me feel relax and taking all my worries away. Even though for the actual delivery, it was  
only me and John, she had a great place during the labor. John attended alone to the birth of his son.  
Even though I found the idea really romantic and exciting at first, when we found ourselves  
alone in the delivery room, I freaked out. And then came Abby several times, very discreetly,  
without interfering in the magical moment between me, John and our baby. I'm so thankful to her  
for this.

Now everytime I go to the hospital to pick up John after his shift, I find him with her.  
Not everytime...nearly though... It doesn't hurt me. I can't say I'm jealous. I just wish  
I knew John as well as she does. After a few visits at the hospital, I could feel that John  
was aware of the fact that I had many questions about Abby. He told me that they had dated, they had  
practically been living together, and that for over a year. But the way I could see they were  
still good friends, I had figured it was an old story. I was really shocked when he admitted  
that they had broken up just before John went to the Congo. I asked him if it was a friendly  
splitting, and it wasn't...

How could this woman be so friendly with me, how could she help me the way she did during Andy's   
delivery ? How could she still read John so well and somehow always seem to make him happy ?  
The only conclusion that I found was painful for me... Maybe she just loved him more than  
I did. Maybe her friendship with him was a way of loving him that I couldn't reach,   
that I couldn't understand.

But I love everything about John, the things I know and those I don't, what he shows me   
and what he hides. And I guess I learned to love Abby too...

The time is so slow when John is not around. The few hours here without him seem to be   
an eternity. I can't wait anymore and decide to go to the hospital an hour early.  
I'd rather sit in a chair over there and be able to spot John once in a while than staying  
here alone. All the nurses are so sweet with me when I go there, and they all seem to be mad  
about Andrew. He always attracts all the attention when we go to the lounge.

I place Andy carefully in the baby seat, turning his back on the road. A Jeep is definitely  
not a family car. I don't think John will accept to get rid of it, but buying another car  
must be first on our list of next things to do. That's the first thing I'll tell him when  
I reach the hospital.

The closer I'm driving to the hospital, the more frequent are the sounds of sirens on the road.  
All this atmosphere is scary. But I know it's a place that John loves, and each time I drive  
here I feel a little excitment, because I'm going to find John. I hear the siren of a firetruck,  
it's getting close, very close, I can't see where it is...I know I have to free the road for this truck,  
but I don't see it...Is it coming behind me ? in front of me ? The sound of the firetruck horn  
is overwhelming. And then.. all of a sudden, I can't hear it anymore...

I can't feel my body. It's not really painful. But everywhere I look, I see blood   
and I know everything about me is bad. My legs are far away from me in the most  
horrible position. My chest is squeezed and I can't hardly breathe. I don't know  
how I found myself here, but it seems that I'm now more or less in the back seat.  
That's the way it looks from where I lie. The all car is a mess. But Andy is still  
in his baby seat, I can now look straight at him. The car seems to have been crushed  
around him. But the place where he is is still intact. He is crying out loudly, and   
it's the first time I'm so happy to hear him cry this way. He is all right. Deep down  
I'm sure he is. A mother knows about this.

And I know that I'm going to die. In a few seconds I guess. And yet everything takes its time  
around me. Everything is slowed down so I have time to think. And everything is clear now.  
Even if I fought very hard, I know I wouldn't make it. And I don't really want to make it.  
Because everything is clear now. 

I was born to love John. I was born to give him a son. I don't know what I'm dying for now.  
But it seems to be the right thing to do. I'm so sad to leave Andy without a mom. I'm sad because  
John will be upset. But I still feel like something has just been accomplished. I was born  
to meet John. I fulfilled what I had to do on this Earth. I'm so thankful that I decided  
to go to the Congo. I went there to help people. I suppose I did. And I'm sure I helped John  
in fighting whatever it was that was haunting him. I know he will be fine, I know he won't  
be alone. And not even the scary bloody vision of my own body that is now in front of my eyes  
can make me regret my decision.

Pain is growing very fast now. I look at Andy. For a split second, he stops crying. He stares   
at me. I just hope he won't remember what he must be seeing now. His large dark eyes are  
so beautiful. For a split second, I have time to realize how much he looks like John.  
Everything is right now.

************************************************************************************

Epilogue:

When she is around, even the crappy coffee from the ER tastes good. I can't believe  
what good friends we still are. She can still make me laugh. And I can still have her  
share open talks with me. I don't know how she does it. She's just here and I feel good.  
She is amazing. I don't know how she really feels about me and Kem, and about Andy.  
She at least gives the impression that she is okay with it. And she always seems to be  
asking about Andy, to be willing to know how he does, what new tiny exciting things he learns  
to do. I love to tell her about him. I know it can't be right. I know she has to feel bad  
about how great my life had turned out just a few months after I left her... after I dumped her.

I first felt like she was the one dumping me. But time made me realize I was the cruel one  
in our splitting. It was a two-way thing, but I definitely was the one that hurt the other.  
And my life became wonderful, with Kem and Andy. I will have to tell Abby one day that it  
wasn't thanks to our break-up, but inspite of it. I still think it was a mistake. But I don't  
regret it because of Andy. I love him more than anybody else in the world. And there's not   
one moment of my life that I would change now, because the slightest change in this rather  
bumpy path would lead to a present life without Andy. A split second different and he wouldn't  
be here. And I can't stand this idea. So I can accept everything, the stabbing, the rehab,  
Gamma's death, and now my life without Abby. 

Abby follows me out of the lounge to the nurse station, while we are still laughing about  
my little story of how Andy had grabbed my hair and somehow managed to have me take a short  
bath in his mashed potatoes. A call can be heard on the radio, and I answer it.

"Cook County, car versus firetruck on General Avenue. A woman and a baby in the car. The mother  
was dead when we arrived, but the baby looks fine. We bring him over." I shivered a little  
when I think about the fact that Kem was supposed to pick me up tonight, but I check my watch  
and breathe in relief when I realize she won't be here before an hour. I still hear paramedics  
talking in the background while I'm asking for the ETA: "Jeez... this car is a mess. This black  
jeep is the size of a coffin now."

I instantly freeze. Black jeep. "What's the plate number ?" I scream frantically. I notice Abby  
staring at me worriedly. No answer..."What's the plate number ?" I repeat, with my voice now reaching  
a high pitch I didn't know I could produce. "Uh... it's not readable..." the paramedics answer.  
Kem... I know something is wrong with Kem. Think... Find a way to find out...  
"What the color of the baby seat ?" I finally ask.

"Yellow..."... Kem...Kem's dead. I know that in a split second, I'm going to scream out. In a split second,  
I'm going to throw up. I'm going to curse life, to curse God. But everything's slowed down now.  
In this split second, I can feel Abby starting to rub my arm. Just as she did when I told her   
my grandmother had died. And for a split second, I feel like I'm back to that moment. The last   
year is erased. There's only the two of us in the world...  
No... Andy is here too. I don't know how. It's the three of us.

I did the stupidest thing, because I left Abby when I needed her the most. She had to go at a time  
I couldn't stand her being away from me. And instead of being thankful when she was back, I pushed  
her away. And I left her. For I couldn't stand her leaving me. She was so right, I always made it  
about her problems. And it was never about her problems. It was about her mother's problems,  
about her brother's problems... and about her boyfriend's problems. She was surrounded with people  
with really big problems. She had her owns, but had learned to deal with them so well.  
When she lost control, it was always about someone's else problems.

For a split second, I have time to stare at her eyes, and somehow I have time to read in them that  
everything will be okay. That something has just been fulfilled. That I'm going to make it,  
because she is going to be here for me. In this split second, while I can feel my eyes beginning  
to burn and my stomach brutally reacting, I have time to realize that I love her.  
And I just hear the most horrible scream coming out of my throat.

Finis. 


End file.
